A couple of years ago my kid and I were out looking for a new car. Mine got totaled and I won’t embarrass my kid by saying how.
Anyway, I knew the kind of car I wanted. I would drive past one and just knew I would have one too. I knew my budget. I knew the mileage and accessories. I was ready to go get my new car.
Found something online and went to the dealership to see it. A gorgeous, while Honda CRV. But, the mileage was a lot more than what I wanted, so I asked if there was something else.
Told the dealer guy all my specs.
He came back with a few sedans. Sedans? WTF?
Ummm… not what I’m looking for! I gave you specifics. I told you what I am looking for.
“Well, ma’am, with your budget and requirements you aren’t going to find anything like what you’re wanting. It’s like searching for a unicorn.”
So, what you’re saying is that I am not worthy of the car I want just because you can’t find one for me here on your lot. And, you’re trying to convince me that I have to settle for whatever you believe I can get.
Got it. Thanks anyway.
And, I grabbed my kid’s hand and we left to get lunch. There are a lot of car dealerships around. We’ll hit another one later.
See ya!
“Because sometimes F-You is synonymous with: I Am Worthy!”
Thug Unicorn by Tonya Markul
We hadn’t even gotten to the restaurant before I received a call. Guess what? Miracle of miracles, they found a Honda CRV with everything I was looking for and in my price range!
Funny how things show up like that.
I can manifest shit!
And, here’s the thing, I know that we have the power to manifest what we need in this world. I know that. I strive to embody that. I practice so I may live that.
Create your own reality.
Thoughts become things.
But, there are times when I waver. I don’t feel worthy. And, I came to realize that is how I have lived most of my life when it comes to love.
You may have seen my post about being lonely. I just wrote it the other day. It’s been an overwhelming feeling lately. And, I have found myself filling the emptiness with food.
I spoke to my therapist about this. There were a lot of epiphanies in this latest session. And we talked about being worthy, knowing what I want in a partner, and keeping that in my mind’s eye. She asked if I had ever determined what I wanted and got it.
So I told her the story about my unicorn car.
Goddamn, I did that. I knew what I wanted. It was so clear in my mind. I felt myself driving the new car. I felt how the keys fit in my hand. I knew it would come to me. I just knew it. Put it out in the universe and let it go so it could find me.
“Once you make the decision, the universe conspires to make it happen.”
Ralph Waldo Emerson
“So, why don’t you do that again with a partner,” asked my therapist.
Why indeed?
I know how I want to feel with a partner. I know the warmth and love and respect I want to receive and give. So why does it continue to elude me? Why do I shut down if I find someone interesting instead of making it known that I am interested? Why does it scare me to fully embody that feeling?
My therapist reminded me that I need to let go of the feeling of lack, the feeling of loneliness, want, and desperation. That only puts more room between me and my unicorn.
I know that! But to do it… ugh.
I got to be honest, this is a tough assignment. I have never felt such things. I am not sure how it should be. I don’t think I know what love is supposed to feel like. Or happiness with a partner.
In fact, it dawned on me that I was told I didn’t know what love was – by my mom – when I was a young teen. I remembered telling her how I really liked this guy and this guy really liked me. It could be something.
“You don’t know what love is,” was her response. Well, damn…. and to this day, I realized, I have in my mind that I don’t know what love is! Talk about an epiphany of where feelings and thoughts come from! And, how we embody such things.
Guess that will be a new blog post for another day as I unpack all that shit!
But, in the meantime: I love my child. I love my family. I love my friends. And, I feel their love in return. But a partner? Is that the same?
Fuck, that is sad.
So, I continue to hide. To make myself small – literally and figuratively. And, now I find myself eating again to fill the loneliness and pain. That has got to stop!
But, bless my therapist. She reminded me that I am an actress. What would a character I am playing do, feel, or be if they were in a loving, respectful, happy relationship? How would I act that? How would I embody that? Because that would be a good place to start.
How would I?
And, she added, I need to face that inner part of me that continues to seek love and encouragement from others and recognize that I have that within me. Love me. Forgive whatever part of me doesn’t believe I am worthy of a partner. Forgive my mom for trying to “help” with those words way back when. Realize that is not a true statement. Believe I am driving that unicorn again. Because I am fucking worthy. I am!
“You can’t hide from your inner shit. Nope. You can’t sleep it off. You can’t surgically remove it. You can’t eat/buy/wish/exercise it away. You have to turn toward it and embrace it. Look into its eyes. Be patient and so fucking tender. Then get intimate with it until it shows you another way, a different you.”
Thug Unicorn by Tonya Markul
So here I am. Remembering to be tender with myself. Go inward to find and heal that part that still thinks I am not worthy and remind them that I am. Embody it. Live it. Be it. And, don’t try to fill it with junk!
We are all worthy of our unicorns. I know I am for mine.
Carmen is a single mom who acts, sings, drinks way too much coffee, and writes stuff as she authentically navigates life. Sometimes it’s interesting, sometimes not so much. You can decide. But if something moves you, drop a line, share it far and wide, and let me know what you think! Be sure to check out her business website, Heart-Centered Marketing and Business Solutions.
