Some truths about me:
I have never married.
I don’t know what it feels like to be loved by a partner.
I have never really had a long-term relationship.
I have never really been noticed by men.
I have never really been asked out on dates.
I can finally say out loud and truly feel it deeply, I am lonely. And that is an overwhelming, tear-inducing, empty feeling.
I have pushed that feeling away for a long time. Tried to pack it down. Ignore it. Push it away. Compartmentalize it.
I have dealt with loneliness almost all of my life by trying to fill that emptiness with food. You’ve seen how well that has served me.
“Eating to turn off feelings doesn’t fully appease your feelings; instead it just adds more psychological (and caloric) weight to the experience.”Jennifer L. Taitz
I have often wondered why I have not found a partner – or even a potential one – in my life. And, I always come up with the same question: “What’s wrong with me?”
As you know if you have read previous posts or know me, I have gotten healthier. I’ve lost an amazing amount of weight. I feel good in my body. I truly do! And I’m proud of my accomplishments.
But, I’m still alone. And, suddenly the feeling of loneliness has become so overwhelming that I find I’m reaching for food again. That scares the shit out of me.
Not that the reason for my weight loss was to find someone to join me in my life’s journey, but it would have been a nice compliment to it. And, to be honest, I thought it would be easier to find someone to be attracted to me should I get healthier.
Yeah. Not so much.
“Food is the most important influence on your health. It is even more important than your thoughts and emotions.”David Wolfe
I’m healthy. I know I am. My body is doing things it hasn’t been able to do in such a long time. I feel good in my skin – even if my skin is all sagging and deflated. I have learned and continue to monitor what eat, and what food macros are good for me. I know what eating for nourishment is. But…
My emotions are all over the place lately. My parents are aging and I’m here with them to help. My kid lives in another state and they were my plus one to everything. I have friends, but they are married or partnered and are busy. And, while I do get out and do things I’m tired of doing them alone.
So very tired of doing them alone.
And, through this, I am finding myself reaching for food to fill the emptiness. To fill the loneliness.
That feeling is weighing me down. In more ways than one.
“Emptiness and loneliness feels so heavy.”Carmen
So here I sit. Looking for a connection. Looking for a partner. Looking for someone to see me. Be with me. Hug me. Tell me they miss me. Tell me they’re thinking of me.
You know, all the things a partner does when in a healthy relationship.
And before you ask, yes, I am back on online dating. Oof.
Not a fan.
There’s got to be an easier way.
At least it feels good to be more honest with me. Recognizing what is happening is a good first step in returning to a healthy food headspace.
And, I guess I can feel better knowing that my drug of choice is food and not something else. (Yeah, even with everything, I am still a “make lemonade, glass half full” kinda gal.)
But I also want this lonely, emptiness to go away. Being honest and saying this out loud feels like a good first step to getting back on track with my health. Now I have to work on getting my mind up to speed with it all too.
Carmen is a single mom who acts, sings, drinks way too much coffee, and writes stuff as she authentically navigates life. Sometimes it’s interesting, sometimes not so much. You can decide. But if something moves you, drop a line, share it far and wide, and let me know what you think! Be sure to check out her business website, Heart-Centered Marketing and Business Solutions.