Ugh.
I hate missing out. Gatherings. Movies. Plays. Dinners.
Starbucks.
Opportunities.
I feel like I’m at a bus stop and the busses keep passing me by without stopping. I’m waving my arms wildly, trying to get their attention. But I’m at a standstill.
Just like the world… it just keeps spinning, doesn’t it? It doesn’t really concern itself with whether you can jump on or catch up.
I mean, I’m not much of an extrovert, but I also know I’m not one for sitting around a lot either. And, the opportunities I had, I worked hard for. They are the most difficult to let go of.
You’re better off missing a bus or an airplane once in a while than getting there too early all the time.
Andy Rooney
And, all I’m doing right now is sitting around.
Literally.
This broken femur and a wheelchair sure have put a damper on things. I just keep watching the busses pass me by.
I have gotten out of the house for a couple of wonderful times. But what a pain in the ass! Wheel out and down the ramp. Grab the walker. Hop to the car. Watch as someone puts away all your paraphernalia into the trunk of the car. Arrive and do everything in reverse. And, I’m just sitting there.
Now, I do realize how fortunate I am. Truly. This is only a temporary situation for me. It’s just that … Eight weeks feels like an eternity. Physical therapy is work.
Sitting here has also brought about a heightened sense of vulnerability. It has my daughter helping in ways that I wasn’t prepared for – until at least I reached a much older age and she would be older to deal with it as well. Or having my elderly mother, mother me again and do for me as though I was a young girl.
Having a bathing aide (a wonderful and patient and kind woman) come to the house and help undress me to get into the shower. I may be clean but with it came a loss of pride and freedom and control and feelings of humility and shame. A weakness I have not known in a while. Especially during my last couple of years with a motto of “No Fear!”
Vulnerability is not weakness. And that myth is profoundly dangerous.
Brené Brown
Having others do for me has been difficult. Being vulnerable has been difficult. Watching the buses and opportunities pass me by has been difficult. Trying to catch up with the world around me once again feels like a daunting task.
Letting go and allowing has been tough.
I think that the most difficult thing is allowing yourself to be loved, so receiving the love and feeling like you deserve it is a pretty big struggle. I suppose that’s what I’ve learnt recently, to allow myself to be loved.
Nicole Kidman
Allowing to be taken care of. Allowing to heal. Allowing to slow down. Allowing to be vulnerable.
Allowing to be loved by your family and friends as you continue to progress and get well and do the work of regaining strength.
Allowing everyone you know to see your weakness in the moment. Yet, living the moment as honestly as you can. In pain. In humility. In loss. In love.
Vulnerability is not winning or losing; it’s having the courage to show up and be seen when we have no control over the outcome. Vulnerability is not weakness; it’s our greatest measure of courage.
Brené Brown
I am reminded that a broken femur and the subsequent surgery to repair it was major surgery. No, I shouldn’t be on my feet yet. No, recovery is not quick, nor easy. Although, without any past experience it is hard to accept this truth.
All I know is that I will continue to show up until I can catch that bus once again. I will show my vulnerability as it will uncover courage.
I guess you can say I’m working on Carmen 3.0 – only this time I’m bionic! Watch out world. Keep spinning because I’m getting ready to catch up!
Carmen is a single mom who acts, sings, drinks coffee and writes stuff as she authentically navigates life. Sometimes it’s interesting, sometimes not so much. You can decide. But if something moves you, drop a line, share it far and wide, and let it be known!
