“He cannot eclipse me, for he is not man or match for my brilliance.”
You’ll have to bear with me… I’m still hurting from being told I was too much for one person. The person who told me he loved me.
We all go through breakups. We have all felt pain. I guess I had put my heart on hold for so long that when I allowed it to open and feel someone else’s love, I breathed it in too deeply.
One reason he said we could not continue was my family. I told him it wasn’t the reason, and he couldn’t argue. I knew it was not the reason, but it still stung.
I sat today, silent, wondering… am I too much? Am I a hurricane? Will there be anyone who can handle who I am, what I have, who surrounds me, what I do? How do I expand when I’m being told I already am too much?
He said he didn’t want to say anything because he thought I would be too ashamed and embarrassed with his leaving me. And, I knew that was a lie too. I know that he was projecting his feelings of shame and embarrassment on to me, rather than want to feel the full force of what he was doing on himself. And, I venture to say there was guilt on his part in there too. A ton of guilt on many levels.
Then I thought – how dare you?
You called me a hurricane, and perhaps there is a lot of activities and family and friends surrounding me, but it doesn’t stop me from living and loving and supporting and being there for another. I’m sure it looks like that when you are sitting in your living room…but what you don’t know is that I am much more than that!
I am a mother.
I am a daughter.
I’m an adult – we have responsibilities.
I am a performer.
I am vibrant.
I am vivacious.
I am brilliant.
And, I can be a lover. A partner.
All these things are not mutually exclusive of each other.
What I’ve discovered as well, is that I am a Goddess!
I have a huge capacity for love and loyalty when given the opportunity. A true opportunity. A real opportunity. I live life to the fullest I can, and while someone may look in and believe that it looks like a hurricane, I’m not stopping because someone thinks I’m too much. I’m living. I’m alive.
And, I deserve a true man. One who’s heart is truly available. Not a facade of a man who wants to be someone different, somewhere different, so as not to feel what he truly needs to feel. The man I love(d) has a level of pain to move through that no other person can help him navigate. He has a depth of pain that he has to find how to pull out of and through on his own.
I was a band-aid over his pain. I don’t want to cover someone’s wounds. I am more brilliant than that. I only shone more of a light on his loss and he was unable to withstand the heat and magnification. Unfortunately, I know he will continue to look for band-aids rather than face his fears and pains of his own loss. In fact, I am sure he already has.
However, in the midst of my anger, something incredible transpired.
While I sat silently reviewing what had happened, regaining my composure and reviving my brilliance, I received two texts from two different men. Men I have known for a little while and who I stepped away from because of entering into a more serious relationship.
Did I do that?
Did I send out some weird Bat-Signal calling these men back in my life?
It’s too soon for me to take them up on their invitation, but wowza! I have their attention again. They came to me!
I am a goddess! I do SHINE!
I knew that I was successful, am successful in manifesting many things through intentions to complete goals and find love. And, I’m ready to do so again.
Interesting how I chose the crop circle of The Goddess for my next tattoo. Just this afternoon. This Afternoon!
So, thank you! Yes, you broke my heart. Yes, you made me question my being, if ever so briefly. But you also reminded me of the goddess that I am!
My intention is much clearer now than before!
Thank you for showing me that I need an intelligent man that is mentally, physically, emotionally available to love me, with a large capacity of patience, faith, and love. A man who is ready to go through all this with me as we support each other through life. And one who enjoys the winds and whirlwind of a full life and live to tell of its adventures.
It’s not either of the nice men that reached out to me today. I know that. But, it’s nice to know that I can call upon something deeper inside me to shine and be seen and heard.
I DO shine. I AM brilliant. I AM alive. And, I WILL love and BE loved again.
I WILL NOT be eclipsed.
In The Heights runs August 18 – September 3 at the .Zack on Locust in the Grand Center Theatre District. Tickets can be purchased here.
Carmen Garcia writes about stuff… life as a single mother, dating, weight loss, performing, and other random experiences. Sometimes it makes sense. Other times, not so much. You decide.