“Some people want to fill the world with silly loves songs. What’s wrong with that? I need to know.”
Paul McCartney

A friend asked me earlier today if I was ready to join Match.com.

Um. No, was my answer.

Her response? Soon?

Um. No, was my answer.

I told her that it scares me just thinking about the possibility of dating again. Gosh, its been so, so, so very long since I went out with anyone. The idea alone send shivers down my spine.

She reminded me about what I have posted – the confidence building, strength rising, standing up for myself.

I told her to shut up. Stop throwing my own words in my face.

Then I told her how much I loved her. Because I do. She’s a wonderful friend who keeps me motivated when I need it and always has my back.

And, it also got me to thinking. How do I find that mojo again? I’ve been huge for so long, my mind is still huge. How will I project a different, new and improved me, when I don’t know really who that “me” is yet?

How will I take someone on the rest of this journey? Because I’m so not done yet.

A part of me says I’m ready! Then, the other part of me says, “What the hell are you thinking?”

It’s scary.

I’m already vulnerable as I continue to shed layers of myself (literally and figuratively). Who will I be when I hit my goal? How will I have to live to maintain my new weight? What will my daily life be when I get to where I believe I am going? And, is it the journey or the destination that I want someone to join me in? Can I release enough of me to allow someone else in?

I’m a caretaker. Always have been. Will someone new in my life take over my life? But I need to be selfish to continue this path.

I know I don’t want to be lonely. But I fear having someone in my life. How’s that for being messed up?

Then I think – I’m overthinking. And, my head hurts.

I use to have tons of mojo. And a few men. I’ve lost both it seems.

I just got to keep looking. I’m sure it will show up somewhere.

No, I’m not ready for Match.com – but if you know anyone who likes short, semi-round, young acting Mexican in her 50’s, let me know.

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