Performers need to be seen. Odd that I chose to be an actress and singer as a profession when I’m really an introvert at heart.
I play a good game, don’t get me wrong. I laugh and smile with the best of them. People think I’m outgoing and an extrovert. When it was time to network, boy did I network. But inside? All I wanted to do was shrink in to a corner.
When I was on stage I didn’t realize how much of another persona I took on. Much like Beyoncé’s Sasha Fierce, just a ton more subdued, less of a risk taker and not as talented.
But, my so-called talent at the time helped me move forward with my career. I seemed to make folks take notice when I sang or acted – so it helped. When I left that life and came home I wasn’t sure what to do with myself. I didn’t know how to stand up for me or how to stand out anymore. I didn’t know how to be seen. So, I hid.
It was easier. It was safer. I didn’t have to try anymore.
And, I got good at it. I hid behind a tremendous amount of weight. I let food become my friend. Kinda felt alone for a long while. Inadequate.
Seems like I lived having my life float past me. Just kind of standing on the corner bus stop watching busses go by and not really stepping on one to see where it could take me. I lost my mojo, if you will.
Here I am at 57. Not sure if this is an “official” midlife (I don’t know too many 114 year olds), but in terms of adult development, midlife seems about right for me. Kind of in a “get your act together, Garcia,” kind of way!
I saw this quote by Brené Brown. She said, “I think midlife is when the universe gently places her hands upon your shoulders, pulls you close, and whispers in your ear: I’m not screwing around. It’s time. All of this pretending and performing – these coping mechanisms that you’ve developed to protect yourself from feeling inadequate and getting hurt – has to go.”
Well, that hit home.
My dear friend and client has also been helping. She has taught me to stand tall, find my way, find my courage and confidence. Shed the layers that are no longer working for me and step in to my true self. She’s been awesome. Reminding me to always center myself, be seen, and hold my head high. Love her for that! Straight up encouragement when I need it.
Tish also helped me realize that it was time to get on that bus and find my mojo again. Not to mention that I have to show my daughter what a strong and courageous woman looks like.
It’s time to be seen and heard. Shedding the layers, peeling away the weight, stepping in to the sunlight. My daughter will see that even in midlife there’s a lot of life left to have unexplored adventures. I’m tired of feeling inadequate. I’m me. No more screwing around.
My daughter can see that you need to grab the universe by the shoulders and not the other way around. And for her not to waste time doing so.
It’s time. I’ll show her the way.
Live High, Live Mighty