I’ve always prided myself on being an independent woman. Never felt I needed a partner to “rescue” me or “complete” me. I can do things myself, thank you very much.
I’ve also prided myself on being stubborn. I equated it with being independent. That was silly.
This “I can do it myself” thing took over my life at a young age. When I was asked by a New York director to move to NYC for theater, I blindly jumped. Had $1000 in my pocket, a car full of stuff, quit school my junior year in college and I took off. No real plan. No place to live. I just knew that my director friend was there and I would start my career in theater.
Until he wasn’t there because he left for Japan to direct a musical for 5 months.
No worries. I can do this myself! So, I found a place to live. And, I found my way around. And, I scheduled auditions. See. I am an independent woman. I don’t need to be rescued.
And, men, in my stubborn, independent mind, just held me back. No time for relationships. The few I had always seemed jealous of the time I spent acting or singing or doing whatever I had to do to get to where I thought I was heading. Why would they like me anyway? I’m fat. I’m independent. I’m stubborn.
Fine. I can do this myself.
Until, I realized instead of facing things, I had just been running away from them. You want me to lose 20 pounds for a role? Oh yea – I’ll show you! I’ll gain 30 instead. You should hire me for my talent, not my look. You like me why? There must be something wrong with you, I’m better off alone.
Self sabotage. Running away. I got good at it.
Fast forward many years later. I’m back in St. Louis. I have a daughter on my own. And, I was still being stubborn. But with each passing year I was slowing down, looking over my shoulder to see if anyone would catch up and save me.
Why was no one coming to save me? And, in my heart of hearts I just want to stop running.
I have convinced everyone for so long that I am independent and stubborn and I don’t need anyone to help me. I don’t need to be rescued. And through the years I have built a nice thick layer of fat around my body, like a cocoon, to protect me from anyone catching me. They’ve gotten use to this version of me anyway. And, I had too. I convinced myself too – It was a role that I felt fit.
Perhaps I am a good actor after all. That, and a hundred extra pounds, got me to a stand still.
It’s good that I have stopped running. It’s been exhausting.
I don’t need anyone to rescue me, but me. And, I have finally come to realize that my independence is a good thing (I question the stubborn stuff).
I am rescuing myself. No more running. No more damsel in distress feeling.
And, perhaps with time I will lower my guard and allow others to come to help me too. Not do it for me as all Princes and Knights are said to do in fairytales. But walk this path with me as I continue this journey.
This is a scary moment. I am saving myself. And, in the process, opening myself up to so many other possibilities.