I know it doesn’t make sense. I’m not a rational person. I’m a Pisces, after all. We’re never really rational.
We’re compassionate. We’re devoted. We’re imaginative. But, we’re also self-pitying, oversensitive, and feel the pain of others.
I am loving my weight loss and the strides I’m making, don’t get me wrong. But, it’s hard to not feel guilty of my success knowing my sister is fighting a life-threatening disease.
My sister just got back from Colorado where she was entered in to a new clinical trial. Her type of cancer is so rare that it was the only trial available. There were only 4 spaces left when she called. Luckily, she’s in. So, I’m happy she is getting treatment – any treatment – that can potentially extend her time with us.
I jump on the scale and I see weight being lost. I put on smaller shorts and happy they fit. I am happy for my progress. But then I hear from my sister how she is having 10 pounds of fluids extracted from her body and she is being given a higher dose of pain medication. How can I be happy for my success when her’s is so much more important. My journey is minute in comparison to her struggle.
I see my sister in pain. I hate it.
I see my sister in torment with thoughts of this cancer. I loathe it.
I see her family in turmoil. I can’t fix it.
I feel guilty for becoming healthier – and I know it doesn’t have anything to do with her journey. It doesn’t make sense. But, I can’t help it. I’m the oldest. I should be taking care of her.
It’s one of those – why her and not me? questions. Why her, period?
But, no one knows the journey we are to take in our lives. Every person’s is different. We just take it one day at a time. One moment at a time. Living in the present has never been more important to me, to us, to our family than it is now.
Questioning doesn’t really help, does it? Whether I am feeling great or feeling guilty.
So, I’m happy for my progress. I’m happy that my sister is getting treatment. And, I’m happy we are spending time together – now.
I already have enough weight to crush me. I can’t allow guilt to do the same. For however much guilt I feel.
I love my sister.