“I wish cancer would get cancer and die.”

– Unknown (but it could have very well been me)

I’m sitting here sipping my drink in the waiting area of Siteman Cancer Center West. My baby sister and I are playing cards and waiting for my middle sister as she has her 4th/5th (I’ve lost track) PETScan.

This will be a defining moment. This scan will determine if she continues with the same treatment or have to search for and join a clinical trial.

I can’t even begin to imagine her daily struggle. How she has dealt with this shit in her body while being with her family on a day-to-day basis amazes me. She is strength incarnate.

I love my sister so much.

My struggle is minuscule in comparison.

She has her moments of tears and yelling and anger – who wouldn’t? But she mainly has strength. And a huge heart. A smile, a joke. She’s my sister. The one we have always had to keep our family together and happy. And the one that keeps her family together and happy. Her two boys, her husband.

It’s hard to put a smile on my face for her all the time. I can only hold her tight while she has her tears and try to be strong for her as I know she would be for me. But doing nothing is a horrid feeling.

Cancer sucks. Hard.

I hate that she is going through this journey. They say that when a family member gets cancer, everyone gets cancer. That’s bullshit. My sister has cancer. We may feel the effects because it hurts us watching. We share tears. We share anger. We wonder why. We pray for the best. But it’s her journey. Her struggle.

For as much as we say we’re there for her she is really going it alone. Only her body can fight off what is there. Only she is going through treatment. Only she is tired and feels weak. Only she looses her appetite. Only she is having to have fluids injected to have a PETScan done. Only she has cancer. She is strong.

I hate it. I hate cancer. I love my sister.

But we are sitting here. Waiting. We’ll have smiles on our face when she comes out. Give her a moment of happiness and refocus her attention – hope to keep her mind, anxiety, fear at bay until her appointment to hear the results. And see what her next steps are.

I don’t ask this often. But, if you have a moment, please take it and lift my sister up in your prayers, thoughts, good intentions and positive energy as you go through your week.

I love my sister.

I hate cancer.

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